Fanon:Look At My Sword!

Look At My Sword! (a.k.a. LAMS) is a Comedy fan-fiction created by DanPin. Its first chapter will be released on August 21, 2011.

Characters
King Vic The Illustrious – The king of Noobland. His funny antics are always scaring the villagers.

Princess Elianne – Vic’s crush from Effenmont. She is in Noobland because her father was sick of her behavior.

Bloodletter Bowen – Noobland’s physician. She is following her father’s footsteps after he left to Gastrobury.

Sir Broderick – A knight and Vic’s best friend. He is the kingdom’s Casanova.

Development
Look At My Sword was idealized by DanPin on August 4, 2011, during a conversation in the IRC Channel. The story is currently being written and the first chapter was released on August 21, 2011.

Chapter 1
The sun rose in Noobland. The flowers blossomed while the birds flew by. It was a nice day and it was King Vic’s 20th birthday.

“Hello, my good friend Bloodletter Bowen. How fare thee?”

“I am fine, thanks. Can we stop the medieval talk?”

“No, since that’s the time we’re in. You see, we… Yeah, it’s too hard. Okay. What’s new?”

“Well, I opened yesterday my new Clinic. I called it the ‘Sacred Spleen Clinic’. Do you like its name, Vic?”

“It is charming. You know, I haven’t seen Sir Broderick all day” said Vic. “Bowen, do you know where he is? Nobody was inside the Barracks.”

“I am sure he is sleeping in the Inn, my good sir.”

“Okay. Let’s go to the Village, shall we?”

“Sure. I also needed to get some leeches.”

“Oh, my dear Watcher!” screamed Vic. “LEECHES? You’re operating with leeches?”

“It’s either that or… acupuncture.”

“Ugh. Alternative medicine? Good grief!”

And they left, through the kingdom’s gates, to the Village. The Inn was in the middle, so they had to walk a bit. While Bowen was haggling the price of a jar of leeches in a stand, Vic looked around, hoping to see Broderick. Then, he saw a young woman. From that moment forward, he knew his life would change… forever.

Chapter 2
Right before his eyes, there was the most beautiful woman King Vic had ever seen. Princess Elianne from Effenmont. He had heard that her father, the Elf Lord, sent her to Noobland so that she wouldn’t be such a spoilt brat. Modern-day people would say that she was just like Paris Hilton, but that can be subject to anyone’s judgment.

Anyways, back to the story…

“Bowen, Bowen!” said Vic.

“Yes, milord?”

“I told you to STOP CALLING ME THAT!” shouted Vic. “Anyways… Isn’t that fine woman Princess Elianne?”

“Yes, she is. The Town Crier told me that her father kicked her out.”

“I want to go talk to her. Should I?”

“Well, it is your birthday.”

“Yay! Oh, and keep an eye out for Sir Broderick.”

“Will do, Vic.”

And so, King Vic approached the Princess. Meanwhile, Bowen had just bought three big jars of leeches… for the price of one. She then continued her way, towards the inn. The streets were vibrant, and lots of servants from the castle came to buy supplies to the party it was going to happen later that night.

And then, she spotted the inn. She entered inside the building and headed towards the reception table, where she asked for her friend. The receptionist led her to the room and left. She opened the door, only to find a naked Broderick lying on the bed. Meanwhile…

“Good morning!” said Vic, cheerfully.

“Hi” replied the Princess. Vic wasn’t expecting the thing that happened next. “Who are you?”

Chapter 3
“Oh, my dear Watcher!” screamed Bowen. “Put some clothes on!”

Sir Broderick was lying on the bed, naked. She had never seen that expression on his eyes. A mixture of surprise and horror was clearly visible in his face. Then, she looked at him and said:

“Don’t you have some sort of decency? A lady is in the room!”

“Well, it was too last night” replied Broderick. “And I took my clothes off in front of her.”

“That’s different” said Bowen in a strict tone. Then, her tone changed to a more gossipy tone. “Who was this time?”

“Well, you don’t want to know. Besides…” He then pointed to his waist. “Look at my sword!”

“BRODERICK!” she screamed. “Come on! Who is she?”

Meanwhile, in the village market…

“I am the king” said Vic.

“Wait. This is a kingdom? I thought it was a republic.”

“What’s a republic?”

“I think it’s the opposite of the monarchy.”

“Oh, I see. Anyways, would you like to come to the Reception Hall tonight?”

“No. I am going to get drunk in the Tavern.”

“Please…”

“No, thank you.”

And as she walked away, Vic felt his heart being crushed. But Bowen was not ready to what she was going to hear.

“Okay, I’ll tell you” said Broderick. “I had WooHoo with Princess Elianne!”

Chapter 4
“You what?” asked Bowen, angrily. “You know, King Vic is now trying to talk to her! He likes her!”

“So? It doesn’t mean that…” Broderick stop talking for a moment. “Oh. I see. I have to tell Vic. But… this bed is so comfortable! More comfortable than other medieval beds, you know? And…” Broderick’s voice changed its tone to a flirtier one. “Want to join me?”

“Ugh… Let me think. NO!”

Bowen grabbed Sir Broderick’s garments and threw them at him. Then, she said in an annoyed tone:

“Get dressed, you little male harlot!”

When they left the inn, they saw Vic running towards them.

“Guys, thank god you’re here. I was talking to Princess Elianne and… I failed at wooing her” said Vic.

“Well, Broderick knows some juicy details about Elianne” said Bowen. “Right? Something that… happened in the inn?”

“Hum…” babbled Broderick. “I… had fun with her.”

“What kind of fun, Broderick?” asked Bowen, in a scoffer tone.

“We had fun with… WooHoo?”

“What?” inquired Vic, surprised. “You had WooHoo with that woman? That’s it. I am sending you to the stocks for two hours!” shouted. “What time is it, Bowen?”

“It’s seven o’clock, so… Broderick, you’ll be set free at nine. Vic, look! There is a Constable!”

Vic then gave an arrest order to the Constable, who took Broderick to the stocks.

“Bowen. We need to get the Princess at the Reception Hall this evening. I need your female intuition to lead her there, okay?”

“Sure. I will do it right away.”

“Okay. I’ll be near the stocks if you need me.”

Chapter 5
Bowen was rushing through the Village, hoping to find Elianne. When she found her, she approached the Princess and said:

“Oh, hello.”

“Hum… Hi.”

“My name is Bowen. I am Noobland’s physician.”

“Oh, really? Thank Watcher!” said Elianne, joyfully. “I had WooHoo with a knight last night and… I think he gave me a VD.”

“Okay. Let’s go to my clinic.”

Meanwhile, in the stocks, Vic was getting some tomatoes and rotten eggs while the Constable was locking Sir Broderick. When he was locked, Vic got a huge, rotten egg and threw it at the knight.

“Dude! C’mon! I wanted to woo that woman!” yelled Vic.

 “Vic, I didn’t know. Also, she took the first step.” The rotten egg hit Broderick in the middle of his forehead. “Wow, you got a fantastic aim!”

 “Thanks. Just for that, you’re being released half an hour earlier.”

 “Gee, thank you.”

 “You’re welcome. Now… tomato, egg or rock?” asked Vic, while picking up a stone from the ground.

 “Hum… A tomato.”

 “Rock it is!”

 While Vic was throwing rocks, eggs and tomatoes at Broderick, Bowen was at the Sacred Spleen Clinic with Elianne. The latter was lying on the operation table.

 “This won’t hurt, will it?”

 “No. Now, spread your legs so I can examine your reproductive system.”

 Bowen then started inspecting Elianne’s private parts when she noticed something.

 “Are you itchy?”

 “Sometimes.”

 “You have craps” said Bowen. She then gave Elianne a bottle with a pink creamy substance inside it. “Please apply this lotion every 12 hours for seven days. Also, avoid having WooHoo.”

 “Thank you. What do I owe you?”

 Chapter 6

“Hmm… You can come to the Reception Hall this evening” said Bowen.

“No. I will stay in the Tavern drinking.”

“Okay. 200 simoles, then.”

“Here you go” Elianne then gave Bowen twenty coins of 10 simoles each. “Thanks for the help.”

Bowen knew that her mission failed. The then headed to the Monastery. Meanwhile, at the stocks…

“But… WHY DID YOU SLEEP WITH HER?” yelled Vic, while throwing an egg at Sir Broderick’s face, which was full of bruises.

“Dude. I didn’t know you liked this girl. Also… I think she gave me a VD!”

“Really? Well… let’s get you to the Clinic. Constable, release him.”

When they arrived at the clinic, they noticed the door was locked. Vic then saw a note stuck to Bowen’s door. It said “I am at the Monastery. Send me a pigeon if you need me”. They realized that there were no pigeons with them (or around them), so they went to the religious building.

“Broderick, what’s your religion?” asked Vic, while they were walking.

“I’m a Peteran. What about you?”

“I’m a Peteran as well. I wasn’t going to let Jacobans to raise a cathedral in here, but the Royal Advisor told me to do it – some people could be mad.”

“Indeed.”

At the Monastery, Bowen was talking to Prior Angus, the Peteran Priest of Noobland.

“Prior Angus, I don’t know what to do. What if King Vic sends me to the stocks, or to… the pit?”

“Bowen. Listen to me. Relax. The king has a deep fondness for you. You’re a good friend. Also, Princess Elianne is a harlot, don’t you think?”

“I guess so.”

“Bowen!” screamed a voice, from the Monastery door.

“Oh, good Watcher!” yelled Bowen, frightened.

Chapter 7
“Vic? Broderick? What are you guys doing in here?” asked Bowen, surprised.

“We need your help” replied Vic. “Sir Broderick thinks the Princess gave him a VD.”

“That is odd. She told me she got a VD from him!”

“So… Can you help me or not?” questioned Broderick, worried.

“Yes, I can” answered Bowen. “Prior Angus, can I examine him in your chambers?”

“Sure, go ahead. But be careful… The Watcher is watching you” whispered Angus. “He could be a pervert, so… avoid any nasty business.”

“Oh, don’t worry. We will pixelate” said Bowen.

And then, Sir Broderick and Bloodletter Bowen went inside of Prior Angus’ chambers. Meanwhile, outside of the room…

“Your Royal Highness, Miss Bowen failed at her task” said Angus.

“Oh, don’t worry. She did what she could. I am disappointed, but I think I will be able to do this. I wonder what is happening inside your chambers…”

“Okay” said Bowen, inside the chamber. “Take down your pants.”

“Well, sure. But you aren’t getting any luck” replied Broderick, as he took down his pants and undergarments.

“I am a doctor. Now…” Bowen stopped in the middle of her sentence because it was the second time she had to look at Broderick’s lower body parts. “…I am going to spray you with this ‘Watcher-Pixelation’ potion, so that he is only able to see pixels instead of your… you know.”

“Okay. Go ahead.”

Bowen examined Broderick very carefully. She looked through every inch of the area, until…

“You’re safe. No VDs around here.”

“Oh, thank Watcher!” shouted Broderick. “Also, I felt an itch when you sprayed me.”

“Oh, I see. I heard that the potion kills craps. Elianne also had these, but I treated them.”

“And… thank you, Bowen” said Broderick as he pulled up his pants. “I owe you one.”

“Yes, you do. Now, let’s get that woman into Vic’s arms!”