Fanon:Look At My Sword!

Look At My Sword! (a.k.a. LAMS) is a Comedy fan-fiction created by DanPin. Its first chapter will be released on August 21, 2011.

Characters
King Vic The Illustrious – The king of Noobland. His funny antics are always scaring the villagers.

Princess Elianne – Vic’s crush from Effenmont. She is in Noobland because her father was sick of her behavior.

Bloodletter Bowen – Noobland’s physician. She is following her father’s footsteps after he left to Gastrobury.

Sir Broderick – A knight and Vic’s best friend. He is the kingdom’s Casanova.

Prior Angus – Noobland’s Peteran Priest. He is very wise and is respected by the villagers, despite his young age.

Troubadour Barnabus – A bard and the Tavern’s owner. He is a little greedy.

Forgemaster James – Noobland’s Smithy. Most women have a crush on him.

Development
Look At My Sword was idealized by DanPin on August 4, 2011, during a conversation in the IRC Channel. The story is currently being written and the first chapter was released on August 21, 2011.

Chapter 1
The sun rose in Noobland. The flowers blossomed while the birds flew by. It was a nice day and it was King Vic’s 20th birthday.

“Hello, my good friend Bloodletter Bowen. How fare thee?”

“I am fine, thanks. Can we stop the medieval talk?”

“No, since that’s the time we’re in. You see, we… Yeah, it’s too hard. Okay. What’s new?”

“Well, I opened yesterday my new Clinic. I called it the ‘Sacred Spleen Clinic’. Do you like its name, Vic?”

“It is charming. You know, I haven’t seen Sir Broderick all day” said Vic. “Bowen, do you know where he is? Nobody was inside the Barracks.”

“I am sure he is sleeping in the Inn, my good sir.”

“Okay. Let’s go to the Village, shall we?”

“Sure. I also needed to get some leeches.”

“Oh, my dear Watcher!” screamed Vic. “LEECHES? You’re operating with leeches?”

“It’s either that or… acupuncture.”

“Ugh. Alternative medicine? Good grief!”

And they left, through the kingdom’s gates, to the Village. The Inn was in the middle, so they had to walk a bit. While Bowen was haggling the price of a jar of leeches in a stand, Vic looked around, hoping to see Broderick. Then, he saw a young woman. From that moment forward, he knew his life would change… forever.

Chapter 2
Right before his eyes, there was the most beautiful woman King Vic had ever seen. Princess Elianne from Effenmont. He had heard that her father, the Elf Lord, sent her to Noobland so that she wouldn’t be such a spoilt brat. Modern-day people would say that she was just like Paris Hilton, but that can be subject to anyone’s judgment.

Anyways, back to the story…

“Bowen, Bowen!” said Vic.

“Yes, milord?”

“I told you to STOP CALLING ME THAT!” shouted Vic. “Anyways… Isn’t that fine woman Princess Elianne?”

“Yes, she is. The Town Crier told me that her father kicked her out.”

“I want to go talk to her. Should I?”

“Well, it is your birthday.”

“Yay! Oh, and keep an eye out for Sir Broderick.”

“Will do, Vic.”

And so, King Vic approached the Princess. Meanwhile, Bowen had just bought three big jars of leeches… for the price of one. She then continued her way, towards the inn. The streets were vibrant, and lots of servants from the castle came to buy supplies to the party it was going to happen later that night.

And then, she spotted the inn. She entered inside the building and headed towards the reception table, where she asked for her friend. The receptionist led her to the room and left. She opened the door, only to find a naked Broderick lying on the bed. Meanwhile…

“Good morning!” said Vic, cheerfully.

“Hi” replied the Princess. Vic wasn’t expecting the thing that happened next. “Who are you?”

Chapter 3
“Oh, my dear Watcher!” screamed Bowen. “Put some clothes on!”

Sir Broderick was lying on the bed, naked. She had never seen that expression on his eyes. A mixture of surprise and horror was clearly visible in his face. Then, she looked at him and said:

“Don’t you have some sort of decency? A lady is in the room!”

“Well, it was too last night” replied Broderick. “And I took my clothes off in front of her.”

“That’s different” said Bowen in a strict tone. Then, her tone changed to a more gossipy tone. “Who was this time?”

“Well, you don’t want to know. Besides…” He then pointed to his waist. “Look at my sword!”

“BRODERICK!” she screamed. “Come on! Who is she?”

Meanwhile, in the village market…

“I am the king” said Vic.

“Wait. This is a kingdom? I thought it was a republic.”

“What’s a republic?”

“I think it’s the opposite of the monarchy.”

“Oh, I see. Anyways, would you like to come to the Reception Hall tonight?”

“No. I am going to get drunk in the Tavern.”

“Please…”

“No, thank you.”

And as she walked away, Vic felt his heart being crushed. But Bowen was not ready to what she was going to hear.

“Okay, I’ll tell you” said Broderick. “I had WooHoo with Princess Elianne!”

Chapter 4
“You what?” asked Bowen, angrily. “You know, King Vic is now trying to talk to her! He likes her!”

“So? It doesn’t mean that…” Broderick stop talking for a moment. “Oh. I see. I have to tell Vic. But… this bed is so comfortable! More comfortable than other medieval beds, you know? And…” Broderick’s voice changed its tone to a flirtier one. “Want to join me?”

“Ugh… Let me think. NO!”

Bowen grabbed Sir Broderick’s garments and threw them at him. Then, she said in an annoyed tone:

“Get dressed, you little male harlot!”

When they left the inn, they saw Vic running towards them.

“Guys, thank god you’re here. I was talking to Princess Elianne and… I failed at wooing her” said Vic.

“Well, Broderick knows some juicy details about Elianne” said Bowen. “Right? Something that… happened in the inn?”

“Hum…” babbled Broderick. “I… had fun with her.”

“What kind of fun, Broderick?” asked Bowen, in a scoffer tone.

“We had fun with… WooHoo?”

“What?” inquired Vic, surprised. “You had WooHoo with that woman? That’s it. I am sending you to the stocks for two hours!” shouted. “What time is it, Bowen?”

“It’s seven o’clock, so… Broderick, you’ll be set free at nine. Vic, look! There is a Constable!”

Vic then gave an arrest order to the Constable, who took Broderick to the stocks.

“Bowen. We need to get the Princess at the Reception Hall this evening. I need your female intuition to lead her there, okay?”

“Sure. I will do it right away.”

“Okay. I’ll be near the stocks if you need me.”

Chapter 5
Bowen was rushing through the Village, hoping to find Elianne. When she found her, she approached the Princess and said:

“Oh, hello.”

“Hum… Hi.”

“My name is Bowen. I am Noobland’s physician.”

“Oh, really? Thank Watcher!” said Elianne, joyfully. “I had WooHoo with a knight last night and… I think he gave me a VD.”

“Okay. Let’s go to my clinic.”

Meanwhile, in the stocks, Vic was getting some tomatoes and rotten eggs while the Constable was locking Sir Broderick. When he was locked, Vic got a huge, rotten egg and threw it at the knight.

“Dude! C’mon! I wanted to woo that woman!” yelled Vic.

 “Vic, I didn’t know. Also, she took the first step.” The rotten egg hit Broderick in the middle of his forehead. “Wow, you got a fantastic aim!”

 “Thanks. Just for that, you’re being released half an hour earlier.”

 “Gee, thank you.”

 “You’re welcome. Now… tomato, egg or rock?” asked Vic, while picking up a stone from the ground.

 “Hum… A tomato.”

 “Rock it is!”

 While Vic was throwing rocks, eggs and tomatoes at Broderick, Bowen was at the Sacred Spleen Clinic with Elianne. The latter was lying on the operation table.

 “This won’t hurt, will it?”

 “No. Now, spread your legs so I can examine your reproductive system.”

 Bowen then started inspecting Elianne’s private parts when she noticed something.

 “Are you itchy?”

 “Sometimes.”

 “You have craps” said Bowen. She then gave Elianne a bottle with a pink creamy substance inside it. “Please apply this lotion every 12 hours for seven days. Also, avoid having WooHoo.”

 “Thank you. What do I owe you?”

 Chapter 6

“Hmm… You can come to the Reception Hall this evening” said Bowen.

“No. I will stay in the Tavern drinking.”

“Okay. 200 simoles, then.”

“Here you go” Elianne then gave Bowen twenty coins of 10 simoles each. “Thanks for the help.”

Bowen knew that her mission failed. The then headed to the Monastery. Meanwhile, at the stocks…

“But… WHY DID YOU SLEEP WITH HER?” yelled Vic, while throwing an egg at Sir Broderick’s face, which was full of bruises.

“Dude. I didn’t know you liked this girl. Also… I think she gave me a VD!”

“Really? Well… let’s get you to the Clinic. Constable, release him.”

When they arrived at the clinic, they noticed the door was locked. Vic then saw a note stuck to Bowen’s door. It said “I am at the Monastery. Send me a pigeon if you need me”. They realized that there were no pigeons with them (or around them), so they went to the religious building.

“Broderick, what’s your religion?” asked Vic, while they were walking.

“I’m a Peteran. What about you?”

“I’m a Peteran as well. I wasn’t going to let Jacobans to raise a cathedral in here, but the Royal Advisor told me to do it – some people could be mad.”

“Indeed.”

At the Monastery, Bowen was talking to Prior Angus, the Peteran Priest of Noobland.

“Prior Angus, I don’t know what to do. What if King Vic sends me to the stocks, or to… the pit?”

“Bowen. Listen to me. Relax. The king has a deep fondness for you. You’re a good friend. Also, Princess Elianne is a harlot, don’t you think?”

“I guess so.”

“Bowen!” screamed a voice, from the Monastery door.

“Oh, good Watcher!” yelled Bowen, frightened.

Chapter 7
“Vic? Broderick? What are you guys doing in here?” asked Bowen, surprised.

“We need your help” replied Vic. “Sir Broderick thinks the Princess gave him a VD.”

“That is odd. She told me she got a VD from him!”

“So… Can you help me or not?” questioned Broderick, worried.

“Yes, I can” answered Bowen. “Prior Angus, can I examine him in your chambers?”

“Sure, go ahead. But be careful… The Watcher is watching you” whispered Angus. “He could be a pervert, so… avoid any nasty business.”

“Oh, don’t worry. We will pixelate” said Bowen.

And then, Sir Broderick and Bloodletter Bowen went inside of Prior Angus’ chambers. Meanwhile, outside of the room…

“Your Royal Highness, Miss Bowen failed at her task” said Angus.

“Oh, don’t worry. She did what she could. I am disappointed, but I think I will be able to do this. I wonder what is happening inside your chambers…”

“Okay” said Bowen, inside the chamber. “Take down your pants.”

“Well, sure. But you aren’t getting any luck” replied Broderick, as he took down his pants and undergarments.

“I am a doctor. Now…” Bowen stopped in the middle of her sentence because it was the second time she had to look at Broderick’s lower body parts. “…I am going to spray you with this ‘Watcher-Pixelation’ potion, so that he is only able to see pixels instead of your… you know.”

“Okay. Go ahead.”

Bowen examined Broderick very carefully. She looked through every inch of the area, until…

“You’re safe. No VDs around here.”

“Oh, thank Watcher!” shouted Broderick. “Also, I felt an itch when you sprayed me.”

“Oh, I see. I heard that the potion kills craps. Elianne also had these, but I treated them.”

“And… thank you, Bowen” said Broderick as he pulled up his pants. “I owe you one.”

“Yes, you do. Now, let’s get that woman into Vic’s arms!”

Chapter 8
It was half past eight when Vic, Bowen and Broderick left the Monastery, after a quick praying session. The party was going to start in twelve hours, so Vic had to woo Elianne until then.

“We can send a pigeon to the Town Crier asking for assistance” said Bowen.

“How many pigeons have you got?” asked Vic and Broderick, at the same time. “We don’t have any of them with us.”

“I have one” replied Bowen. “I hope this works.”

Bowen picked up a piece of paper and wrote in it:

 Dear Town Crier, 

<p style="margin-top:0cm;margin-right:28.3pt;margin-bottom: 10.0pt;margin-left:1.0cm;text-align:justify">'' King Vic, Sir Broderick and I want to know the whereabouts of Princess Elianne from Effenmont. If you happen to know this information, please reply to me. We will be at the tavern. ''

<p style="margin-top:0cm;margin-right:28.3pt;margin-bottom: 10.0pt;margin-left:1.0cm;text-align:justify"> Best wishes, 

<p style="margin-top:0cm;margin-right:28.3pt;margin-bottom: 10.0pt;margin-left:1.0cm;text-align:justify"> Bloodletter Bowen 

“Let’s go to the tavern” said Bowen. “There is the possibility that she might be there.”

“Okay. Vic, do you agree with this?” asked Broderick.

“Yeah, sure.”

And so they continued their path, hoping to find Princess Elianne. When they arrived at the tavern, everyone was surprised to find King Vic.

“Your Royal Highness” said a man. “I am the Bard and owner of this tavern. My name is Barnabus.”

“Okay, Barnabus. We would like your best table” replied Vic.

Barnabus led them to a small table, near the window. He then placed in the table three glasses of ale.

“From my best collection, to please a king like you” he said.

“Thanks” answered Broderick. Barnabus then left. “Okay. She is not here. And I’ve got an idea…”

Chapter 9
“Vic, do you remember that Quest we did a while ago?” asked Broderick.

“The one in which we had to scare a peasant into returning a stolen object?”

“Yeah. If we do the same with Elianne, it may work.”

“Broderick, I am not sure if it works” said Bowen. “I could craft a potion filled with Flunitrazepam.”

“Flun-what?” asked Vic.

“It is also called Rohypnol.”

“Oh. I used that on a girl once” said Broderick.

“I see. Bowen, could you please tell me why Broderick has the Licentious Fatal Flaw and the Chivalrous trait? I don’t get how this is possible.”

“Vic, it isn’t a trait conflict. It should be, but it isn’t” alleged Bowen.

“Okay. Let’s get back to the plan” demanded Vic. “So, Elianne is in the… Where is she again?”

As Vic pronounced these words, a pigeon flew towards the window were sitting next to and went through the window. It dropped a scroll and then started flying in circles inside the tavern.

“Hmm. It is a message from the Town Crier” said Bowen.

<p style="margin-top:0cm;margin-right:28.3pt;margin-bottom: 10.0pt;margin-left:1.0cm"> Dear Bowen, 

<p style="margin-top:0cm;margin-right:28.3pt;margin-bottom: 10.0pt;margin-left:1.0cm">'' I saw her going to the Forest half an hour ago. ''

<p style="margin-top:0cm;margin-right:28.3pt;margin-bottom: 10.0pt;margin-left:1.0cm"> Best wishes for your Quest, 

<p style="margin-top:0cm;margin-right:28.3pt;margin-bottom: 10.0pt;margin-left:1.0cm"> The Town Crier 

<p style="margin-top:0cm;margin-right:28.3pt;margin-bottom: 10.0pt;margin-left:1.0cm">'' PS: Tell the King I wish him a happy birthday. ''

“She is in the forest” said Bowen, while reading the scroll. “Oh, and the Town Crier wishes you a happy birthday, Vic.”

“So, my plan was…” Vic was interrupted when the pigeon, trying to leave the tavern, hit the wall, right next to the window. “Seriously, that pigeon is dumb.”

“It’s dead” said Bowen, while checking the bird’s pulse. “Does anyone want pigeon soup?”

“Sure. It is almost noon” whispered Vic. He then asked Barnabus to cook the pigeon and to make a soup. “The plan is…”

Chapter 10
“The plan is this…” said Vic, waiting for another interruption, which didn’t occur. “… Elianne is in the Forest, probably picking flowers or whatever. Then, Broderick, who is unrecognizable with his face full of bruises, will put on a special piece of armor I have and will threaten her.”

“Why me?” asked Broderick.

“You are a knight. You know how to do this” replied Vic. “Anyways… She will be scared. Then, I appear from the middle of the Forest with my favorite armor and sword and challenge you to a duel. You let me win, and she will appreciate my gesture that she will come to my birthday party and we’ll watch a special firework show made by the Wizard. I want opinions… now.”

“I want to ask you a question” said Bowen. “How are you king? This plan is so wacky I doubt it will work.”

“It’s better than yours!” shouted Broderick.

“Better than yours…” copied Bowen, in a childish tone.

“PEOPLE!” yelled Vic. “I am your king. Do as I say. If it doesn’t work, it is my problem, then.”

Bowen and Broderick settled down. She then said:

“Your plan is kinda good…”

“I agree with her” said Broderick. “I am also wondering when we’re getting our soup.”

When Broderick finished pronouncing those words, Barnabus arrived with a big bowl of pigeon soup.

“On the house, milord” he said. “You two need to pay me 15 simoles each.”

“Barnabus, man! We’re with the king!” yelled Broderick.

“Fine. It’s free.” Barnabus then left. And as our heroes ate the soup, they knew there was still a lot ahead of them…

Chapter 11
“Okay, now we need to visit the good ol’ Blacksmith” said Vic, as they left the tavern.

“I never saw the Blacksmith. Is he hot?” asked Bowen.

“I heard he is the only Hero in here to have a Legendary Trait” whispered Broderick.

“Indeed. He has the Patient Legendary Trait” replied Vic.

“I also haven’t heard an answer to my question. Is he hot?” asked Bowen, impatiently.

“Yes, he is very handsome” replied Broderick and Vic, at the same time.

“Oh, I want to see him!” said Bowen, excited. She then ran towards the building, which was twenty feet away from them.

“What’s wrong with her, Broderick?” asked Vic.

“Oh, she saw my flesh sword twice today.”

“I see.”

“OH… MY… WATCHER!!!” yelled Bowen, from inside the house.

Both Vic and Broderick ran towards the building, where a fainted Bowen was in the Smithy’s arms.

“Dudes… Who is this chick?” asked the Blacksmith.

“Oh… James, that woman is Bloodletter Bowen, the Physician” said Broderick.

Bowen then regained conscience and saw Forgemaster James, the Blacksmith. He then put her down in a chair.

“Vic… he is… dreamy!” proclaimed Bowen.

“Yeah, I’m naming my son after him.”

“So…” said James. “What do you want?”

“We need some armors and you’re the only one in here who can make them” said Vic.

“Which ones?” asked James.

Vic then approached his ear and whispered something.

“A dinner plate? Man, I can’t do that. I am a blacksmith, not a pottery guy.”

Vic then whispered another thing to his ear.

<p style="tab-stops:181.5pt"> “Ah… I see. Sure thing.”

<h2 style="tab-stops:181.5pt"> Chapter 12

Vic and Broderick were in the town square, in their armors, practicing for their fake battle. Meanwhile, Bowen was sitting in the same chair, watching James forging Vic and Broderick’s armors and weapons.

“And then, I will perform a Whirling Takedown and you’ll fall down” said Vic, as he performed the move and both Broderick and Vic fell.

“Dammit, man! That hurt!” shouted Broderick.

“I also hurt my elbow, so… shut up.”

“Do you think he is going to take too long?”

“A little bit. But don’t worry, he is a professional.”

“Also… What do you see in Elianne, Vic?”

“I have a thing for elves.”

“That is… creepy.”

“It is? Heh, I didn’t notice. Anyways, you may not like the feeling of your sword.”

“Why?”

“Hum… You won’t like it. And you don’t have to worry. Prior Angus is going to help you with that.”

“You’re starting to freak me out.”

“You’re starting to overreact.”

“Let’s get this over with, okay?”

“Fine!”