User blog:AgnosticPriest/Review of "A Pleasant Story", Chapters 1 and 2.
Hey, I write reviews now. Aren't I special?
Anyway, here's what I think of this chapter, separated into bullet notes for your convenience!
1. All right, grammar and spelling mistakes galore. Wonder whether I'll get in trouble for revising this?...Edit: Can't! I wish they had a strikethrough function, however.
2. This couldn't be more formulaic. Here's how virtually every sentence goes: Action followed by emotion/another action, misplaced detail that breaks the flow of the sentence, another action. Show rather than tell; it's imagery that makes the story engrossing. Right now, I'm having a hard time visualizing Richie's kitchen.
Chapter 2.
They're on the same page, so they're in the same review.
3.It's nice to see that the new immigrant kid had a great first day at school! It perfectly mimics reality, where kids who are very different, especially immigrant kids, are treated with the same respect and dignity as anyone else!
4. Bruno Mars exists in this world, and he's English? Wow! I guess terrible commercialized music exists in all planes of reality. Hey, did Sylvester Stallone star in "Terminator 2", as well?
5. Leona sounds like a real [expletive deleted]. You'd think that she'd have learned not to pester her brother while he's doing his homework by this stage in her life. Come to think of it, she started an argument with Richie just that morning. That's just unhealthy sibling interaction. Or maybe it's just bad writing, who knows?
6. Ah, yes, Richie, dragging your little sister along on a friends' date with a girl you want to date-date is a perfect strategy! Nothing says, "I want to take this further," like a third banana, a third banana who's your annoying, life-wrecking sister.
7. Ooh, Richie's been caught red-handed, all right! Apparently, the stigma attached to being an immigrant is nonexistent, but wearing prescription glasses is social suicide.
8. Richie: "What's that song?"
Lilith: "Monkey Failure."
Richie: Obviously, she doesn't want to talk. If she did, she'd tell me the name of the band, as well.
Verdict: Eh...1.5/10 for me. Just about the only thing I like about this chapter is the concept. It would be more interesting if the author had incorporated the language barrier and culture shock a bit more, but they didn't. It'd be a 3/10 if that had at least been done. Instead, we get a story of a kid who moved into the neighborhood. Nothing but wasted potential here.