Proclamation: Difference between revisions

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| style="text-align: center;"|After tomorrow's afternoon sermon, the church will begin collecting coats to distribute to less fortunate--OH MY GOSH THERE'S A SPIDER RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!

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| style="text-align: center;"|Do not spit in the holy water. We saw what you did, Josef.

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| style="text-align: center;"|Just because you perform your disgusting acts amongst the lordleaf behind the church doesn't mean the Watcher doesn't see it, Amanda.

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| style="text-align: center;"|Names are self-indulgent and wicked. By decree of the Jacoban Proxy, all of the Watcher's children will now be referred to as "Lo." All babies born from now on will be named "Lo." -- A message from Shepherd Lo

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| style="text-align: center;"|Speaking with and otherwise interacting with non-Jacoban worshippers is now strictly forbidden. Any Jacoban found in violation of this proclamation will be considered a heretic and punished accordingly.

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| style="text-align: center;"|The Jacoban Proxy predicts a torrential rain of hellfire over the next few days, as the Watcher has set about to smite all those who offend Him. Please take this into account when planning your excursions.

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| style="text-align: center;"|Any Jacoban follower who fails to recognize the Proxy's birthday will be destroyed by bees. I could tell you when the birthday is, but that would be cheating. Jacob guide you.

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| style="text-align: center;"|By order of the Jacoban church, the hems of all dresses are to be worn no higher than ten inches below the ankle. Lengthening fabric will be available at your church in a variety of colors for the next few days.

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| style="text-align: center;"|By order of the Jacoban Proxy, gruel may no longer be consumed in any official Jacoban building, except by Priests and others who have been touched by the Watcher.

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| style="text-align: center;"|Eggs are repulsive. Have you ever stopped to think think about where eggs come from? I mean, really thought about it? Any Jacoban seen handling, ingesting, or festively decorating eggs will fall completely from the Watcher's favor.

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| style="text-align: center;"|In order to prevent confusion, by order of the Jacoban Church, all parrots must be named from the following list: Polly, Pascal, Porgie, or Pollyanna. Failure to comply will result in confiscation of the offending bird.

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| style="text-align: center;"|Laughter is decadent!! The Grand Convincer of the Jacoban Church has given today over to solemn reflection on the Watcher for all followers.

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| style="text-align: center;"|The Jacoban Proxy would like to remind all loyal Jacobans that the Watcher is always watching you. Especially you, Bernard.

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| style="text-align: center;"|To ensure complete spiritual fulfillment, the Jacoban Proxy strongly recommends that all Jacobans reflect on the Watcher for at least two hours, no less than fifteen times a day.

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| style="text-align: center;"|We must offer ourselves wholly to the Watcher's gaze. Wearing a hat sinfully covers your face and interrupts His righteous view of you. Hats are banned until further notice.

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| style="text-align: center;"|All worshippers are responsible for cleaning their seat after a sermon. Dirty pews are an affront to the Watcher and will not be tolerated.

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| style="text-align: center;"|By order of the Jacoban Proxy, carrots, the most evil of all vegetables, shall no longer be eaten by good citizens.

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| style="text-align: center;"|Contrary to recent rumor, children are welcome at our sermons. However, they should be neither seen nor heard. The Watcher despises children.

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| style="text-align: center;"|Come wash away your dirty sins with us! I promise no one will say "pew." -- A message from your Jacoban Church.

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| style="text-align: center;"|Due to the recent spate of bear attacks on our congregation, we will be opening up a Jacoban healing center in town in the near future. Please visit us for any of your spiritual healing needs.